I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

“I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I rea…”

“Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly …”

“Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you…”

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist,…”