At St. Bernardine’s the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name.

“So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.”

“It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to p…”

“This one guy Roland was so weird that during sex his voice altered—as if he wer…”

“Mom’s a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get …”